When I turned around, I saw that I came farther than I thought. Suddenly I got afraid when I saw myself in the mirror. I didn’t know I was exhausted. I didn’t know I was lonely.

When I get confused, I tell myself “Just go, don’t stop, don’t give up. You know yourself, you know your strength. Don’t stop, there’s still a lot to do. Hey you idiot, don’t make it too obvious. Don’t cry too loud. Be strong, I know you’re lonely but you need to get through this. Are you crying again? Don’t kid yourself. Stop crying you can go through this. Remember when you were in school you’re all alone. Remember when you don’t have friends in schools and you able to go through everything and comforts your own self. Don’t be weak you idiot. Don’t be coward.”

When I didn’t wanna see anything, the reasons forced my eyes to open wide because I was scared, too scared. There is no other reason. I’m afraid, I’m afraid. I’m coward who pretends to be strong.

I always believe in myself that I have no worthy opponent but my enemy was in my mirror. I am my own enemy. I lost the reason to continue this fight. I killed myself. I killed my souls. Why am I so weak?

Please tell me I’m too young and soft to become an adult. To go through all these bullshit.

I still don’t know how. It hurts so much to crash into everything. Now I know, it’s too late to foolishly whip. There are still too many unhealed wounds. Get your shit together bastard. Don’t be weak.

Thank you for everything and everyone. Thank you for the good and the bad experince for these 21 years. Thanks to people who mean to me. Thanks to fake friends who bad mouthed me behind my back. To ex bestfriends who betrayed me so many times. To people who tried to use me when I was a kid. Thanks to papa who taught me how to be believe in myself. Thanks to mama who taught me to be strong. Thanks to my bestfriends who gave me hugs when I cried and gave me love when I feel unlove.

I’ll only cried for today. Starting tomorrow, I won’t be a coward anymore. I promise. I’ll come back stronger.


Nabila xoxo

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