2 months left before 2017 ends. It’s hard, it’s hurts. It’s a tough year for me. I won’t forget 2017. 2017, where I see myself I am at the lowest point of my life. God knows what I have been through this year. I was at my lowest almost the whole year. I’ve questioned my own existence too. I felt so depressed, unneeded, unloved, useless and completely alone. I lost lots of things through out this year. I felt like crawling into a dark cave and hiding from the world. What I realized was that I was already in a cave. I had isolated myself from my friends and family and I was constantly lying to myself about what I wanted vs what I needed. I created a reality that was not sustainable and put my feelings of self worth elsewhere, where it was not cared for. Of course, I have few friends who still cared about me. Boyfriend who who worried about me. Everyone has been trying to understand my situation and they gave me advices but I feel like this is a problem within myself that I need to fix. I’m gonna change myself and come back stronger that’s what I promise to myself.
I believe no matter how badly I felt, I can and I will survive. It is amazing how much suffering, unfortunately, people go through, emotionally, physically, and survive it. Even thrive. It FEELS badly but let’s just see how far and how much hurts I can endure. As I felt scared and depressed, time doesn’t seem to end, these feelings will not gonna harm me. A bad feeling is not dangerous and it is not permanent.
While I am struggling with myself I thought my close friends gonna make things easier for me but they mean to me, back stabbed me, lied to me, they made me felt even worst and they can sleep peacefully. How? People are so horrible to each other, right?
To people who made me felt like this have a good life and you know what, I will come back stronger. Wait for it. Good luck to live your life cuz remember “You always get what you give. You gave me bitch, bitch will come back to you”
To people who loves me and really tried to understand me and listen to my shitty life everyday. I won’t stop loving you guys❤ and don’t worry too much I am better than before.
Are you crying, again? Why? They broke you thousands times already. There’s nothing to be break anymore. You’ve fall millions times already. There’s no pain bother you anymore. And now why you have to cry over and over again? You matter to no one. No one will hurt you anymore. No one will disappoints you anymore. So why are crying? Why? Why? After all these while thought you getting stronger.
I thought I’m getting stronger too. I thought I already get used this shitty life. I thought I wouldn’t cry again. I know I don’t matter to anyone. I know I am lonely. I know people disgust just to see my presence. I know people get tired of me. I know why my best friend leave me. I know every reason behind every sighs people gave me. I know every reasons behind every fake smile that they gave me. I knew when people disappoint in me and regrets for my existence in their life. I knew, everything I just pretend that I don’t.
Take a look yourself in the mirror. Smile. But you don’t seems recognized the reflection of yourself.
You hurts yourself too much. There are too much unhealed wounds. Too much scars. You wished you’d see clearer. Yet you don’t really know which directions.
You think you are alright but you don’t realized how far you’ve fallen. Your heart feels like a rock. There is nothing inside your head. You almost fool yourself.
You are here, yet you are not. The reflection shows your entire body aches. How do you make it stop?
Wake up girl, you’ve been sleep for years.
When I turned around, I saw that I came farther than I thought. Suddenly I got afraid when I saw myself in the mirror. I didn’t know I was exhausted. I didn’t know I was lonely.
When I get confused, I tell myself “Just go, don’t stop, don’t give up. You know yourself, you know your strength. Don’t stop, there’s still a lot to do. Hey you idiot, don’t make it too obvious. Don’t cry too loud. Be strong, I know you’re lonely but you need to get through this. Are you crying again? Don’t kid yourself. Stop crying you can go through this. Remember when you were in school you’re all alone. Remember when you don’t have friends in schools and you able to go through everything and comforts your own self. Don’t be weak you idiot. Don’t be coward.”
When I didn’t wanna see anything, the reasons forced my eyes to open wide because I was scared, too scared. There is no other reason. I’m afraid, I’m afraid. I’m coward who pretends to be strong.
I always believe in myself that I have no worthy opponent but my enemy was in my mirror. I am my own enemy. I lost the reason to continue this fight. I killed myself. I killed my souls. Why am I so weak?
Please tell me I’m too young and soft to become an adult. To go through all these bullshit.
I still don’t know how. It hurts so much to crash into everything. Now I know, it’s too late to foolishly whip. There are still too many unhealed wounds. Get your shit together bastard. Don’t be weak.
Thank you for everything and everyone. Thank you for the good and the bad experince for these 21 years. Thanks to people who mean to me. Thanks to fake friends who bad mouthed me behind my back. To ex bestfriends who betrayed me so many times. To people who tried to use me when I was a kid. Thanks to papa who taught me how to be believe in myself. Thanks to mama who taught me to be strong. Thanks to my bestfriends who gave me hugs when I cried and gave me love when I feel unlove.
I’ll only cried for today. Starting tomorrow, I won’t be a coward anymore. I promise. I’ll come back stronger.
“Should’ve stayed. Were the signs I ignored? Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore?
We saw brilliance, when the world, was asleep
there are things that we can have, but can’t keep
The reminders, pull the floor from your feet
in the kitchen, one more chair than you need, oh
and you’re angry, and you should be, it’s not fair
just cause you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it, isn’t there
If they say
who cares if one more light goes out?
in the sky of a million stars
it flickers, flickers
who cares when someone’s time runs out?
if a moment is all we are
or quicker, quicker
who cares if one more light goes out?
well I do…”
-One more light // Linkin Park
People asked “What biggest lesson you learn from a broken friendship?”
A-“You don’t necessarily get back what you give. And, you can’t expect things to stay the same way as it is. People change, people grow.”
Cut off negative feelings is the hardest especially when it comes from our bestie. When someone is our best friend, we usually assume that they always will be. I mean, how could things ever change? Our best friend is our shoulder to cry on after a rough day, the first person we call when we have a bad days, someone who we share our best and worst life experiences with. Sure, everyone in the world knows that “people change” but we usually figure that our best-friendship won’t break. We always have that confident that our best-friendship can survive anything because our bond is impossible to break. Friendships can survive distance, life changes, and tough arguments. Stuff like that is no problem if, for example, we still love to do the same things, have the same sense of humor, inside jokes, have the same music taste and value time spent together.
But, sometimes, we’ve come to the painful realization that we’ve grown apart from our best friend. Neither one of us have come to dislike one another, or we just don’t click like the way how we used to.
First of all, friendship supposed to give us positive vibes. When you feel like nothing positive coming out from your best-friendship especially when your best friend constantly disappoints you, treat you like you don’t matter or belittled you. Then you have to say buh bye to your best-friendship. You know that your best-friendship is over when you keep hurting each other everyday and you have no desire to fix it. You rather hold things back because you know its pointless to address the issues. You know to call it quits when you spend more time focusing the past than the present. You holding onto your best-friendship because of your memories together. You know what, it’s time to leave the past in the past. People grow apart and that’s okay.
You don’t need to cut ties completely. Stay cordial and respectful and try to focus on the positive. Remember that you and your best friend had a great best-friendship for many years that brought you mutual joy and support. They have been there for you through thick and thin. Not every friendship is meant to last forever and you’ll always care about the person even if they are not destined to be your lifelong BFF. Live life and take care of yourself. Know when to stop. Learn to walk alone, even if it is hard at first but you’ll get used to it. Believe me.
Love yourself. Self-love matter the most.
You and life have a thing in common, you know what?
Lies and lies and lies and lies.
Life lied to me saying it would be perfect,
And you lied to me saying you were different.